TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
