i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
