I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
