I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
