When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
