your parents love me but you hate me
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
