I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
