I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just pee around me
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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