was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
