i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
