I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
