You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize