I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
