You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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