god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
