I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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