so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
