I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
