I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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