A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I lost the right to judge tonight
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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