I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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