I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
