you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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