We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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