If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize