you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
