i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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