I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
