I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
