Swine flu. Run for my life!
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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