You made me cry and you don't even care
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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