I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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