CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
