I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
