Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looked like the before picture.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
