he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize