A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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