New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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