A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
