I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
