Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
