The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
