Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
