I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
