My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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