Who did Billy Mays play for?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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