Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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