We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
