How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
