I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
