It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize