So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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