he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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