Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
