I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
