You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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