She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
