I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
