I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
