I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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