I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
