I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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