dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
