At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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